Sugar Baby Âœ”ϸ tenth: jealous

I couldn’t sleep.

I waited impatiently for Rosalie’s annoying numerology alarm. I stared at the window, watching the sun rays slowly cascade into the room. I stretched an arm out, feeling the gentle, caressing warmth of the naked, dawn sun rays. I stretched out my fingers as if trying to hold the golden streaks of light.

Last night’s incidence weighed heavily on my heart. I hated how powerless Grayson made me. Like I wasn’t the Xavier I had created so painstakingly. He made me feel naked in a way that was more than just physical. Exposed me. Made me defenceless.

And the part of me I fought so hard against, yearned for that nakedness.

I sighed in relief when the annoying beeping sounded, pulling me out of my morbid reverie. I washed my face and ran out as quickly as I could. It had rained the previous night and the gardens outside were even more beautiful than usual. The green leaves were darkened by the shimmering drops of water on them. I had loved rain for as long as I could remember. I loved the scent of the wet earth. The gentle breeze. The way the sky seemed to nurture the earth. Loving her, caressing her with her tender touch.

I got into the car and pulled out of the driveway. I rolled down the windows, playing gentle music. Perhaps rain was associated with grief for many people. I, however, found it hopeful. Both the emotions were equally destructive.

As I reached the street where my home was located, I groaned. Grayson’s car was parked in front of my house. I sighed, parking my car behind his and took a deep breath before stepping out. The car was empty and I wondered if he had already entered my apartment. I unlocked the door, stopping momentarily as I heard familiar voices from inside.

I opened the door and saw Annalise standing with a brown package in her arms, laughing at something Grayson had said. I felt a pang of jealousy.

He turned to look at me, his eyes widening slightly. Of course, all he was interested in knowing about me was the fucking project.

“Hey, Harber,” Annalise said, smiling. “How come you’ve never told me you have such hot friends?”

I felt another poisonous twinge of envy as he blushed.

“He’s not a friend,” I said, putting the keys back in my pocket and making my way towards them, trying to act nonchalant as I shrugged. “Just a colleague.”

“You work with the police?” Annalise asked, her eyes widening.

Fuck.

“Not really.” Technically I wasn’t lying. Not that I would ever hesitate to lie. “It’s confidential anyway so, sorry.”

She didn’t say anything, her brown eyes widening as she turned to face Grayson. She twirled a lock of her long, red hair in her fingers, looking at him through her thick lashes. “So, what do you do when you finally ditch the uniform at the end of the day?”

I grit my teeth as he responded. “Usually just relax. Make some extravagant dinner for no reason.”

“You cook?”

“Occasionally.”

“You guys should cut to the chase and just fuck each other.” I snapped, anger flaring inside me. They gazed at me, their eyes wide with horror.

“Not everyone is like you, Harber,” Annalise said and rolled her eyes. 

I didn’t reply, turning around and stomping up the staircase. My heart spiralled in my chest. Envy gnawing my insides. It took me three tries for my trembling fingers to finally unlock the door. I entered and slammed it shut violently.

I leaned against the door, trying to get a grip. I couldn’t let my emotions influence my actions so much. I needed to get over whatever the fuck it was that Grayson was doing to me. I took deep breaths, trying to calm my thundering heart. Rage. Envy. Resentment. The catatonic emotions exploded in my chest, making me want to break something. Preferably Annalise’s face.

There was a knock on the door and I jumped.

“Xavier?”

My heart wrenched in silence anguish. Grayson and Harold were the only people who ever called me my actual name. It was hidden even from the rest of the police department, to maintain the highest degree of obscurity.

I took deep breaths, raking a hand through my hair as I finally opened the door.

“What the hell was that?” he asked, his eyes wide with polite bewilderment. 

” ‘It‘ has a name, Grayson,” I said warily. “Annalise. Learn some respect.”

His brows furrowed for a moment before he shook his head. “That’s not what I mean.”

I stepped back and walked into my apartment, sitting on the bed and booting my laptop. He came over and stood near the bed, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

I connected my phone to the laptop silently, attaching earphones. I copied the audio for last night, editing it so that it was devoid of the sex sounds. Although, a part of me really wanted him to listen to it. The part that hoped that he would be jealous. But I knew he would simply be disgusted.

He stood quietly as I worked, fishing a pen drive from my bedside drawer and sending the files into it. I threw the pen drive on the mattress. “There’s evidence of her strong dislike towards the government,” I said, not looking at him. “It can act as a motive.”

He picked up the pen drive and gazed at it silently for a while before slipping it in his breast pocket. I chanced one look at him, my heart sizing up at the mistake. I couldn’t understand how someone could look so damn gorgeous with minimal effort. He wore a brown jacket over his white shirt and brown trousers. Formal, but still sexy.

“This is good, Xavier,” he said, giving me a polite nod. “But, if possible, you should try to get more. This could still be passed off as circumstantial evidence.”

I nodded, still not looking at him and raked a hand through my hair. We fell into an awkward silence and I hoped he would leave soon. He didn’t however and finally, the words blurted from my mouth. “Do you like her?”

I almost slapped myself.

He gazed at me. “She seems nice.”

I scoffed. “Then you should know she does laughter exercises every Saturday morning. Out loud in the corridor. I wake up to Satan laughing.”

The corner of his mouth tilted upwards, almost in a smile. “I don’t really know what to do with that information.”

I sighed, crossing my legs and gazing at the mattress reproachfully. As if it had wronged me. I picked at a stray thread of the bedsheet. “You should leave,” I said.

He didn’t make a move to leave, however. He walked towards me and sat on the bed. I resisted the urge to move away from him.

“Are you okay?”

The kindness in his voice seemed to unhinge something inside me. Pushing me to my breaking point.

Grayson was the only person who truly knew what I was. What I did. And still treated me like a person. Not a commodity. Not a piece of meat. And I detested how vulnerable it made me feel. I relished in the fact that I was seen as nothing but an object. It made things easier. Made it easier to do what I did. I had zero morals, lying, stealing, manipulating, seducing. Like a machine. But that was it. Perhaps he respected me enough to tolerate me, but not enough to want me.

“Just tired,” I said, my voice suddenly thick.

I was alarmed with the swirling storm of emotions and it took all my strength to hold everything in.

“Xavier?” he spoke. His voice tender. “I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” He leaned slightly towards me and I placed a palm on his chest, leaning away. I shut my eyes, my voice low when I spoke. Constrained. “I…I was just stressed and exhausted. And-“

“No. It’s not your fault,” I said, hating how weak my voice sounded. “I didn’t have the right to call you like that. I’m sorry. I won’t do it anymore.”

He was quiet, studying me intently. Tingles of pleasure coursed through me at his unflinching gaze. I didn’t dare meet it. He sighed, leaning back after a while and rose to his feet. The irrational part of me wanted him close again.

He gazed at me for a while, as if pondering. I wondered again what he saw me as. But my facade was sometimes impenetrable even to me. How could he see through it?

“Thank you,” he said, patting his breast pocket where he had kept the pen drive and started walking towards the door. I looked determinedly at the floor, my jaw set.

“Xavier,” he called again and I gazed at him, turning towards him slowly. My heart raced, my stomach clenching with naive hope.

“Black wanted me to remind you about the yacht party. It’s this weekend.”

My heart fell and I nodded. “Okay.”

He gave me a curt nod and walked away, shutting the door behind him. Leaving me suffocating under a deafening silence.

So there’s that! What do you think about Xavier and Grayson’s relationship? Do you think they have a shot? I can assure you there is a looot coming for Xavier. Stay tuned!

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Stay safe!